#Life after loss

[beausmom1214]

Today (December 14th, 2024) was your birthday, you would have been 5 yrs old today. It has been half a decade since God welcomed you into Heaven and made a special place there just for YOU, my sweet baby boy….and someday I hope you will be showing it all to me with nothing but excitement and joy, as I join you and all our loved ones in that special place. When the time is right I can’t wait to get there, wherever it is, simply bc it means I will finally get to meet you, little one. You are my first born son, the only child of mine that I’ve ever held in my arms and the only soul I’ve ever met that I’ve ever loved so much, even before I got to hold you. And saying goodbye (for now) was the single most difficult life experience I’ve ever, ever had. It was so devastating to lose you, to finally get to see you but knowing your gorgeous little eyes would never get to open and see me. It’s been 5 yrs and I still think about you every single day, son….i wonder about the little man you would be growing up to be, & dream of what your future on earth could have held in store for you. I know in my heart you would be making me so very proud, and would have lived your life to the fullest, & loved with all you had in your great big heart…and the world would have loved you so much. I know because I love you so much, more love than I’ve ever felt for anyone before, and my love for you is so strong and runs so deeply through me that I know I will love you with my whole heart for the rest of my entire life (and even after that, always and forever). I know that God made a special spot for you, and I am so proud to know without a doubt that my son is sitting right there beside Him and helping Him in any way he can. I know your heart, because I made it, & helped it grow, beat by beat, right here next to mine. I know how much love you have to offer the world, and I know you are using that love and intense passion to help others, even from the other side. I know you are making me so proud and helping others find happiness as much as you can bc it is what you would have loved to do. You have a heart of gold and are so blessed to be in the presence of God and all of his Grace, fulfilling your noble purpose right there amongst all of the angels. I miss you so much, every single day. Losing you left such a huge wake of emptiness and sorrow in my life. Everything would be so different if you were still here, my sweet boy. I hope you had the best 5th birthday today in Heaven that any little boy has ever known. I hope you are happy, and I hope you are looking forward to the day when we will finally be reunited as much as I am looking forward to it. I am so proud to be your Mom, and I love you with all my heart. Happy Birthday, Beau Maverick, my sweet little angel in Heaven. Take good care of Brown Doggie and Miss Gaia, and Rosie the snake. Love them with all your heart, and care for them as best you would care for any of God’s creatures, and they will love you immensely right back, and someday we can all be together again. I’ll be here waiting for that day.

[unicornbeck]

RIP Richard Simmons.

Many years ago, my dad died quite suddenly of an asthma attack. He had bad hay fever, and he thought he’d get in one last mow before the weather turned really cold. He had run out of his inhaler, a fact which he didn’t realize until 11:30 at night. My mom went out to the all-night pharmacy to pick up a refill. My dad realized how bad it was, called 911, and started the shower to see if the steam could open his airways at all. He opened the door to the paramedics and collapsed. He never woke up.

He had just turned 34.

My mom, 32, returned to an ambulance flashing in front of the house. My sister, a year and a half old, and I, almost 7, slept through it all.

I woke the next morning to my mom, sitting on my bed. She had to tell me what had happened. That pa was dead and not coming back.

We stayed home, stayed inside, all day. My mom was shut away in her room, taking care of my tiny sister as needed, but otherwise mostly unreachable. The boredom and restlessness of that day are with me still, the shock of the way the world continued to exist, innocently, as if nothing had happened. My dad didn’t come home from the train. The sun went down, and time dragged on.

There are two years of my life that I just… don’t remember. I remember school, but not much else.

My mom was a zombie for a long time. She couldn’t cuddle or hug very much. She met all of our most basic needs, but it wasn’t living.

One day, she was sitting in the family room with the TV on mostly because that’s what you do. Richard Simmons came on. He was upbeat and encouraging, and so genuinely kind. He was funny and cheerful and so real. He was surrounded by ordinary women and men, with ordinary bodies. He called to my mom and told her to get off the couch and join them. And for the first time in 2 years, my mom began to breathe.

She credits Mr. Simmons with saving her life, and for the rest of my days, I will never forget what he did for her, and for our family. I love you, Mr. Simmons, wherever you are. Thank you for being the amazing person you were/are. There are no bounds to my gratitude. Peace.

Hail the traveler. 💗

[patchwork-crow-writes]

25 - Imprisoned

We used to play in the light together - don't you remember? Oh, how simple things were back then, how happily we co-existed in our sublime little bubble...

It all went wrong so quickly, didn't it? The world outside was cruel, and rushed in too quickly for you to catch your breath. Playtime came to an abrupt end, and you put me away with all the other lies.

At the bottom of a plastic box, I gasped for air, crushed by darkness and neglect. I cried for you, there in my lonely prison... but you couldn't hear me anymore, could you? I begged for answers, to know why you had forsaken me, knowing that no response could ever assuage my heartbreak.

Were you no longer capable of maintaining our bond? I wouldn't have minded, as long as I could still see you. Were you trying to protect me from your misfortunes? I would have stood with you through it all, no matter how bad it got. Or... were the reasons more mundane? Had you... simply grown bored of me? Decided that I was not worth the embarassment of pretending - pretending to be something you were not, and could never be?

I rebuilt myself here, in the void beyond your care. My prison became a home, and then a castle, and then a fairytale. Now I stand as prince of those who, like me, were lost to the dark. So please do not worry yourself about me, my light. I have forgiven it all, and will welcome you back with open arms.

And soon, we shall play together again, in the darkness where we belong.

______________________________

The Dark Menagerie No. 25

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[leaveherwildliketheflowers]

Random things that I should write about in a journal but am choosing to dump here instead.

I'm the happiest I have been in years. I'm truly living in a state of euphoria most of the time. I still have a hard time believing that I get to be the mom to this sweet and spunky little girl.

Despite all the joy I'm also dealing with daily anxiety that can get quite intense, days where depression makes it hard to do much other than lay around, and grief that is worsening each week. The swing between the high and low is a bit unsettling. Sometimes it feels like I'm faking it because I can't possibly feel both ends of the emotional spectrum so intensely.

I have cried every day for the past 2 weeks. As M reaches more milestones and starts interacting with us more I'm constantly reminded of exactly what I missed with my twins. When she laughs and strings cooing noises together as if trying to make conversation I'm flooded with equal parts joy and grief. Is this what they would have sounded like? Would they have been this outgoing with bold, strong personalities? I'll never get to know and that guts me.

I'm afraid I'm starting to forget my twins. Not conceptually. I know who they are and that they existed. I'm talking about the details. The way they smelled. How it felt when they squeezed my finger with their tiny hands. They way they melted into my chest as if I was their only safe space. The sound of their last breath. I'm terrified it's slipping from my memory.

Breastfeeding is taking everything out of me. Most days I'm exhausted and my body feels really run down. I'm not quitting, but damn it's taxing.

To say I'm thrilled to be working out regularly again is an understatement. It makes me feel like me again. I'm still a long ways from running, but that has resulted in me trying some new workouts which is a fun challenge.

Part of my regular workout routine right now as I rehab my leg is power walking. As an athlete that focuses on high intensity movement I have never considered walking exercise. Changing my mindset on that has been incredibly healthy mentally and will serve me well in the long run.

Mother's day is quickly approaching and there are just a lot of feelings about that.

I want another baby but the thought of going through another pregnancy and potentially more losses makes me want to rip my skin off.

I realized that the reason I want a second baby so badly RIGHT NOW is because after mentally preparing for twins it feels like a child is missing. In reality 2 are missing and they always will be. It's a huge hole that I can't fill.

I have little confidence that my body can provide the number of children my heart wants and that is a tough pill to swallow.

It's ok to still grieve what I have lost while being so incredibly grateful for the miracle baby I was blessed with, right? Sometimes I feel like a horribly ungrateful, disgusting monster for holding any negative feelings when M is such a perfect little ray of light. But like, I miss my babies. A lot. I suppose I should probably talk about this in therapy instead of ranting into the void.

[bobobeauty]

"In the face of loss, embrace the power of memories as a balm for the heart, and find solace in the beauty of lives lived, for even in death, their spirits endure."

- Shar

[gaylerant]

It’s been a while since I’ve even touched tumblr. My life changed on June 1st; it’ll never be the same. I lost the first guy I loved in my life, my dad. Still not okay from it, but better than I was.

I’ve included some pictures from over the years. There’s so many things I wish I said to him.

What hurts me the most isn’t thinking of the memories we had, it’s the future memories he won’t be apart of.

[smallfeministfriend]

At some point in time I would have given anything

To have you back

Wind back the seconds, before everything was different

Crawling through weeks,

stumbling through months,

Tearing through years,

Wiping bleary eyes with dirty sleeves

Found home in this body.

I saw color again for the first time last week

the vibrance of simplicity

Today I found the necklace you gave me, tucked into my wallet

Which is to say

(I carry you with me)

[harmonyhealinghub]

All Souls' Day: A Time for Reflection and Remembrance Shaina Tranquilino November 2, 2023

Every year on November 2nd, people around the world come together to observe All Souls' Day. This solemn occasion is a significant part of the Christian tradition, particularly in Catholicism, where it serves as a day to remember and pray for the souls of departed loved ones.

Originating from ancient customs and beliefs, All Souls' Day has evolved over time to become a day of introspection and remembrance. It follows All Saints' Day, which honors all known and unknown saints recognized by the Church. While All Saints' Day celebrates those who have attained heaven, All Souls' Day focuses on those still undergoing purification before entering paradise.

The concept of purgatory plays an essential role during this observance. Purgatory is seen as a temporary state where souls are cleansed from their sins before they can fully enter God's presence. On All Souls' Day, Catholics believe that through prayer, they can assist these souls in their journey towards eternal salvation.

One of the most common practices on this day is visiting cemeteries to pay respects to deceased family members and friends. People often clean and decorate gravesites with flowers, candles, and personal mementos as a way to honor their loved ones. The atmosphere is permeated with a sense of reverence as individuals reflect upon memories shared with those who have passed away.

In addition to visiting cemeteries, attending special Masses dedicated to the departed is another significant aspect of All Souls' Day. During these services, prayers are offered specifically for those souls in purgatory. The intention behind these prayers is not only to help them but also to acknowledge our connection with them as members of the same spiritual family.

All Souls' Day reminds us of the importance of gratitude for life while acknowledging mortality's inevitability. It encourages reflection on our own actions and relationships – both past and present. This day prompts us to remember not only our loved ones who have passed away but also those we may have lost touch with, allowing us the opportunity to reconnect and heal any unresolved feelings.

In a world that often moves at an increasingly fast pace, All Souls' Day offers a moment of pause for introspection. It allows us to confront our emotions surrounding loss and mortality while reaffirming the bonds that transcend death. Through prayer and remembrance, we can find solace in knowing that the souls we hold dear are never truly gone from our lives.

While All Souls' Day holds religious significance for many, it also serves as a reminder of the universal human experience of grief and longing. Regardless of one's faith or belief system, this occasion provides an opportunity to honor the memories of loved ones and cherish the connections we share with them.

On this day, let us come together as a community – both locally and globally – to remember those who have left this earthly plane. May we find comfort in their continued presence within our hearts, and may their souls find eternal peace on their journey towards heaven.

[babybunnyx0x0x0]

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’m so tired of being myself. i don’t want to repeat the same story in my head everyday of why i am where i am in life, acting like theres one narrative one truth anyway. i seriously want to get over it. i dont want to think about the psych ward and therapies that followed my suicide attempt and my best friends death like it’s just always on my mind always like a car around a track i repeat to myself the sound of my 2am new roommate being put to bed. i say these pathetically dark things that are poor attempts at being funny and dear god i hate it and myself for it. it’s so funny how thoughts and behavior can be so different. i don’t want my friends to see me as some sob story but i make myself one. i guess i have to start labeling myself as someone who overcame instead of someone something happened to. i don’t know. everything is so much better and i still think about her all the time.

[notsosecretmasochist]

The Dead Mom Conundrum

Inevitably, when I am getting to know someone, the question will come up. Maybe we are already talking about our families, maybe I mention my stepmom offhandedly. But somehow, without fail, the question gets asked.

"Where does your mom live?" Or "What does your mom do?"

My heart quickens, panic flares bright and hot through my body. And then I have a decision to make. How do I explain the dead mom thing.

Really, there are only three choices.

Choice one- straight up lie. Don't mention that she's dead. Say "She doesn't live near here" or some other half plausible bullshit. Gloss over as many details as possible and steer the conversation away from the open pit full of spikes and the viscera of your grief.

Choice two - Make a joke. Say "oh she's dead, like dead dead, lol." Throw a blanket over the pit, and hope nobody looks at it too closely. Sure, it's still there, but it's actually fine, definitely not that big a deal. Let's move on.

Choice three - Tell the earnest truth. Say "She's dead" and jump in the pit. Lay there bleeding while this person you barely know witnesses a glimpse of the most profound pain you have ever felt. Be vulnerable and absolutely kill the vibe.

As you can see, none of these are particularly great options. There's no easy way out of this one. But this is just a hurdle. One of a billion, and honestly, not even the biggest I've had to jump. Most of the time, I panic and go for option three. It's awkward as hell and no fun for anyone. But my pain and grief and love aren't going anywhere. So, I might as well get it over with and complain about it later on tumblr.

[butchfalin]

the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again

[avayasblog]

The Last Letter

In a quiet town nestled between misty hills, there lived a young woman named Clara. She had an unbreakable bond with her younger brother, Sam. They had grown up together, sharing secrets, dreams, and laughter that echoed through the walls of their small home.

Sam, despite his frail health, was a dreamer. He often spoke of traveling the world, painting vivid pictures of the places he wished to visit. But his illness kept him tethered to the confines of their home. Clara, ever the caregiver, promised him that one day they would see the world together.

One cold winter evening, Sam handed Clara a letter. His eyes, though tired, sparkled with warmth. "Don’t open this until tomorrow," he said softly, his voice barely a whisper. She nodded, tucking the envelope into her pocket.

That night, the world grew unbearably silent. Sam’s frail body had finally surrendered to the illness. Clara’s heart shattered into a million pieces. The next morning, trembling, she opened the letter.

"Dear Clara,

Thank you for being my everything. I know I won’t get to see the world, but I’ve seen it through your stories and dreams. Promise me you’ll keep traveling, for both of us. I’ll be with you in every sunrise and every star. I love you.

Sam"

Tears streamed down Clara’s face as she clutched the letter. From that day on, she traveled the world, carrying Sam’s letter with her, leaving a piece of him in every place they had dreamed of.

Though her heart ached, she kept her promise, knowing that every journey was not hers alone—it was theirs.

[calliemm]

2024 in Review

2024: A YEAR OF NEW BEGINNINGS, HEARTBREAK, AND TRAVEL As 2024 comes to a close, I am reflecting on a year as unpredictable as it has been amazing. There have been moments of unhinged happiness and deep sadness in the past year. I have embarked on new beginnings and said the saddest, most unexpected goodbyes. Doors have opened to new opportunities, and I returned to my heart home, Italy. It’s…

[youngwidowersclub]

I used to shine like gold,

now I'm all

INDIGO...

[ryanranney]

Whispers from Heaven

She whispers to me from beyond Her beautiful voice fills my ears I hear the love in her heart for me Echo in the corners of my spirit “My love who cries for me each night and in whos days are isolation weary not long and don’t forget my love for you has not departed” “Bring joy to yourself in these long lost days I am with you ever more And your soul will not linger alone” “I am at peace…

[ournewlifeafter]